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15 December, 2021

How Do You Know If Someone is Attracted To YOU

Hello Bizzy Bees!

Happy hump day and happy holidays! 

Today we want to introduce you to Vanessa Van Edwards.  She is the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic eCommunication, and the creator of People School.  Check out her website: Science of People

Vanessa jokingly refers to herself as “a recovering awkward person.”  Wouldn’t we all love to be totally on-point, charismatic, and attractive during our interpersonal interactions and avoid being “that awkward person”?

There are a multitude of topics when it comes to people and how people interact, so today we are going to narrow down the scope to attraction between people.  I have always assumed that attraction and connecting with other human beings in romantic or sexual way is intuitive or natural, but it is clear that we can all learn a lot from people like Vanessa who study people and how they behave in “nature”.

Do you know what percentage of your communication is nonverbal signals versus verbal communication? 

This blew my mind!  Only 7% of what we are communicating is verbal, leaving 93% of what we are communicating as nonverbal: body language, facial expressions, and voice tone.  That means the majority of what we are “saying” to other people is not coming out of our mouths… it’s our energy; our internal intentions externalized to the world around us.

So here are a few topics Vanessa covered in her YouTube videos on attraction, nonverbal signals, and body language of both men and women.

So, how do you know if someone is attracted to you?

There are three primary indicators of attraction:

  1. Proximity – people naturally move towards what they are attracted to and leaning in and moving to your intimate zone one indicator that someone is attracted to you
    1. Intimate zone (1.5 ft.)
    2. Personal zone (4 ft.)
    3. Social zone (9 ft.)
  2. Haptics (physical touch) – when we touch others in a positive way it produces oxytocin (chemical of bonding) in the other person
  3. Eye contact – holding eye contact or better yet holding a gaze also produces oxytocin and helps bonding between people

What nonverbal cues do women send when they are interested in others?

  1. Exposed neck
    1. Flipped hair back
      1. Draws attention to the neck
      2. Shows shine of hair which is a sign of fertility
    2. Tilt their head
      1. Shows roundness of face which is a sign of estrogen
    3. Releases pheromones
  2. Touch/rub suprasternal notch (between clavicles at the base of the neck)
  3. Chin Down, Look up, Bat Eyelashes
  4. Walk and Swaying of the hips
    1. Men physically cannot sway hips, so when women pop those hips when they walk, it is sending the message that they are full of estrogen
  5. Sending cues of openness
    1. To a man, women who are more open and willing are more attractive (regardless of physical appearance, dress, etc.)
  6. Women interested in a man should send three or four courtship signals: tilt head to side, side look at him, toss hair back, side look at him
    1. Why?  Because men miss, on average, three courtship signals, so ladies you have to be patient and persistent in sending those signals

What nonverbal cues do men send when they are interested in others?

  1. Pointing feet towards the person they are most attracted to
  2. Leg splay
    1. This is a form of taking up space and claiming territory as well as a nonverbal signal of testosterone presence
  3. Hands in pocket while exposing thumb
  4. Approaching
    1. Always approach women from the front or font angle (never from behind)
      1. Cortisol shoots up in women who are approached from behind
      2. When men are approached from behind, they do not experience the same stress response… they simply turn around
    2. Use likable body language
      1. Expressive facial expressions
      2. Show your hands (talk with your hands)

What nonverbal cues do women send when they are NOT interested/open?

  1. Arms crossed
  2. Turn away
  3. Closed off
  4. Little to no facial expression

What power dynamics are associated with nonverbal communication?

Women looking to attract men are naturally inclined to look more feminine, submissive, vulnerable, or helpless

  1. It increases men’s testosterone
  2. Entices men to want to take care of women

Ways in which women achieve this include:

  1. Looking down and away with head but up with eyes
  2. Plucked and shaped eyebrows
    1. Makes women look helpless, submissive, vulnerable
  3. Expose wrists
    1. Makes women look femine, submissive, vulnerable

Alternatively, women seeking to exert power should:

  1. Claim space
    1. Standing shoulder width apart with hands on hips
    2. Elbows out wide on tables

How can we know if the person we are interacting with is being sincere?

By being aware of micro-expressions:

  1. Face happiness
    1. Smiling without using eye muscles (smize)
  2. Lip pursing
    1. This is a sign of holding something back or contempt
  3. Lying
    1. Saying something while shaking head “no”

We hope there are few things that you recognize within yourself or areas where you can learn how to improve your nonverbal communication and intentions.  This is an area where I continue to improve both at home with Jessica and the kids and out in the world.  Working on this and learning about myself and the messages I am sending has made a huge difference in being more deliberate with what I am communicating nonverbally as well as understanding what others are communicating to me nonverbally.  And like Vanessa said, men are at a disadvantage because we tend to miss a lot of nonverbal communication and just being aware of this has helped immensely.

Have a great week and let us know if you are picking up on any nonverbal communication you might have been missing out there in the world.

Until next week… Get Bizzy,

Jessica & Denny

P.S. A wise man once said, “Bees don’t waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit.”

Real Vulnerability, Real Education, Real Connection

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